Get this man a new chart

Warning: Much of the following post will make no sense. I'm sorry. It's not my fault. It is Tony Sparano's incomprehensible explanation as to why he decided to go for a 2-point conversion with the Dolphins leading 30-19 with 8:48 left in the game in Sunday's victory over the Jets.

Anyone with literally the most fundamental football knowledge should know that you NEVER go for a 2-point conversion when leading by 11 points. The difference between an 11-point lead and a 12-point lead is so much more important than that between a 12-point lead and a 13-point lead. It is absolutely comical that Sparano made this mistake. Most bad decisions have some possible explanation...but this one simply has none.

Given a chance to just admit he messed up, Sparano did his best to explain the ridiculous decision. Sit back and enjoy this beauty.

Here it is:

Reporter: Tony, when you went up 30-19, what was the reason for going for the two-point conversion?

Tony Sparano: I'll tell you what. Here's my reason (drumroll please). There's a lot of scenarios (no, actually just one). Too many scenarios to be honest with you. Coulda, shoulda, wouldas. But my feeling at that time was that one of the elements that we could have taken out of play was the scenario of, and let me start by saying this, I liked being there where I was at 11, 11's kind of a good number to be at (good to know). And the reason that I think 11's s a good number to be at -- not that 12's not a better number or 13's not a better number -- but 11's a good number to be at in that it brings three different deals into play. (Does he think this is insightful?) One that sounds easy but really isn't is this two-point conversion business. (Who said it was easy?) Now [The Jets] tried a few of them and didn't make them. When you look at this year's statistics, that number going into the ballgame was about 29 percent conversion. My feeling was, being aggressive, I felt like at that point 11 was a good spot to be for us. (We get it...you like being up 11.) I was trying to take a scenario out of play where the only scenario that would have beat us was two touchdowns. (Um, yes, so kick the PAT and make sure of it rather than risking it.) So I treated it in that situation kind of like a fourth down call (huh?). I thought we had a really good play, a really good play, and we just didn't execute it. (It's just as stupid a decision even if it worked.)

He later continued...(second warning: He's about to say a lot of really stupid and bizarre things)...

I hate this. I remember watching this movie Armageddon once. (I have never seen this movie, and I definitely don't plan to now.) And they said, 'You can't use your blow the bomb up card in this situation.' There's five different cards, you might get five different answers. (Read my "card" below Tony. It's not that confusing.) You really might. In my mind, as I'm going through this thing, one of the things I'm thinking (he was thinking?) is -- and this is not being negative -- I just didn't know how many more at bats that team was going to get (probably not more than two). You can tell me eight-and-a-half minutes, I just don't know. (I know you don't know.) The way the game was going, and where we were offensively in this football game, I had no idea how many more at bats that team was going to get. (Enough with the "At-bats.") In my mind, we were down there, we just finished a good drive. (Pretty typical to be "down there" after a touchdown.) We had some momentum and we had a good play in a good situation and we were at a good number (Did you know Tony Sparano likes to be up 11 points in the fourth quarter?) When you look at some of those things, the touchdown, the two-point play, the field goal, those kind of plays, the hardest things to execute, to get, are the touchdowns and the two-pointers sometimes (thanks). So with where we were at 11, they had to execute a field goal, a two-point play, and a touchdown. Now as it turned out, the Monday morning quarterbacks (no, people with basic football knowledge) are all going to look and say, 'Well jeez, that's the way it kind of was headed.' (Was it really that shocking?) That's true, but we weren't planning on a 50-something yard pass play and any of those scenarios to happen during the course of this thing. That's why.

Reporter: But don't you need two touchdowns if you're up 12?

TS: Yeah, but one brings into the at bat thing (kill me). That's all I'm saying. One brings into a touchdown a field goal and a field goal can get you. You know what I mean? (There was 8:30 left!! Let me know the next time a team kicks a field goal down 12 points with under eight minutes.) I'm trying to put some of that out of the way, because I don't know how many at bats they're going to get. I really don't. (You're right, you really don't know.)

Here is a quick 2-point conversion lesson for Tony and the rest of the NFL courtesy of The Sports Rippers free of charge.

When to go for 2:

First rule, don't even consider it until the second half of the third quarter.

When leading (AFTER the touchdown) by: 1, 5, 12, it is usually a good decision to do it.
When trailing (AFTER the touchdown) by: 2, 5, 10, 13.

There are other more intricate scenarios -- for example, you should go for two if you score and are up four points VERY LATE in a game -- but those aren't all that common or critical. Stick to the above chart, and you're fine.

And you won't get ripped.