The time has finally come for me to do the unthinkable. It's time for me to rip Tiger Woods.
Never did I ever imagine the day would arrive when I would have strong enough feelings to take a shot at my favorite sports figure of all-time. I also never thought I'd see the day when perhaps the most dominant athlete in the history of sports would be in the news more for the size of his, um, shaft, than for what he does with the golf clubs he wields on the course.
I'm sorry, Tiger. I love you, but you are officially an idiot.
Look, I've said for years that I think about 80% of professional athletes cheat on their wives. In no way am I saying that makes it okay, but it really is the ultimate don't-judge-someone-until-you're-in-that-situation situation there is.
It turns out, Tiger is an ordinary (bad) guy when it comes to going after women. Am I surprised? No. Am I surprised how stupid he was about it? Yes.
It's one thing to do this stuff when you're not married (See: Derek Jeter -- SI Sportsman of the Year and holy figure in New York despite his playboy ways), but once you tie the knot, the number of mistresses needs to go down. At least to single digits.
I mean seriously, how could Tiger think that not even one of his female playing partners would ever say anything about having slept with one of the most famous people in the history of the planet? Especially ones that were supposedly working for barely more than minimum wage at glorified Waffle Houses? As Tony G. Dagger mentioned previously, there are a lot of money-grubbing hoes out there. I guess Tiger's Stanford education didn't cover him that.
Tiger's buddy, Michael Jordan, couldn't give him a few pointers on sneaking around? Like have a separate, secret phone for dealing with side-pieces. Or don't actually call yourself and leave an embarrassing/incriminating voicemail. How stupid can you be? You could have afforded to pay a different person to handle each of your mistresses. Police found $235 in your crashed SUV? That's like a couple pennies slipping out of my pocket and into the crack of my car-seat.
For nearly 15 years, this guy has been in the spotlight as much as any other athlete and the public hasn't seen one sloppy-drunk picture of him or even heard about a single speeding ticket. It appeared that either Woods was genuinely the "boring" person he categorized himself as or he was just as good as guarding his private life as he was at slingling a little white ball around the golf course.
Apparently, he wasn't being so careful this whole time. As a result, it was just a matter of time before some of this stuff started to come out. Like his stunning loss to Y.E. Yang at this year's PGA Championship, it was inevitable that Woods' off-the-course behavior would eventually be exposed. Yet somehow, Mr. Swoosh never saw it coming.
I'm sure it was tough for him to turn off the "playa" switch upon marriage and I'm sure he was super careful at first. But the more these guys get away with -- and when you're Tiger Woods you can probably do just about anything you want -- the more they think they are bulletproof.
Yes, his agent Mark Steinberg and whoever else is in charge of the Tiger Woods machine deserves blame for letting this get out of control. But unlike a lot of other athletes who have faced controversies, I thought Tiger was smart enough to never let it get to this point.
Wrong. Instead, the whole saga (Mysterious accident, multiple affair allegations, possible foul play, prescription drugs and alcohol, his mother-in-law being taken to the hospital days after) seems like a never-ending story. I half expect to wake up tomorrow and find out that he has gone missing after being abducted from his Orlando mansion by aliens.
Tiger, the seemingly indestructable force, has become the continuous butt of jokes around the world (Got to admit, Wanda Sykes had some pretty funny lines). How did Tiger's people let it come to this?! How did Tiger let it come to this?!
So please, Tiger, I'm begging you. Do Oprah, do 60 Minutes. Let us see you apologize for everything, let us see your vulnerable side. Provide us with some concrete answers about what happened that night with the Escalade escapade and a own up to the "transgressions" that are true.
If you're addicted to pain-killers or sex (What guy isn't?), tell us! It's the only way to make this mess go away and get this National Enquirer/TMZ (plenty to rip with those "media" outlets too) circus to stop. It's also the only way to possibly save your unparalleled global popularity.
Bill Clinton, the freaking President of the United States, cheated on his wife while in office. Brett "The Media Can't Get Enough Of Me" Favre was once addicted to pain-killers. Jordan's gambling problems, as well as his own infidelity, have been well documented. Kobe Bryant was accused of far worse, yet right now there are thousands of parents out there buying his jersey as a Christmas present from Santa.
Athletes have come back from far worse and sometimes their problems even draw sympathy and an increased fan base (Again, Kobe). Outside of an alledged double-murder (I'll never forget hearing that verdict while sitting in home economics class in 7th grade), and the recent bonehead handlings of being caught for cheating the sport and using steroids by Roger Clemens (Looks stupid for not admitting to it) and Mark McGwire (Looks pathetic for not saying anything), these guys usually recover.
For someone like Tiger, who has maintained that squeaky-clean image until this point, getting out of trouble should be about as difficult as a long bunker shot. It certainly won't be easy, but the best player in the world can pull it off.
Dagger (noun) forms - daggered, daggerous, daggerface. 1. A crushing and deflating moment that turns possible victory into certain defeat, mimicking the feeling of a dull blade piercing your gut. ex. That third and 19 the Eagles converted was such a dagger. (verb) forms - to dagger, daggering. 1. The act of metaphorically shoving a blade into someone's gut. ex. I'm going to dagger you with this putt right now. Dinosaur (noun) 1. Any sports analyst who clings to outdated and useless strategies, statistics or ideas. ex. Did you see that dinosaur LaRussa bunt his number three hitter last night?
Legend (noun) forms -legendary, legending, legendarity. 1. Any person who has done something notable, even once. ex. Jim asked that girl out for the 7th time yesterday and she finally said yes. What a legend.
Meaty (adj.) forms - meated, meatness. 1. A positive description of something containing a lot of substance or worth. ex. Tiger Woods has been known to hit some meaty drives.
Slinging (verb) forms: Slinger, slung, slingy. 1. The act of doing pretty much anything well, especially while you're doing it well. ex. Kobe was slinging bombs from everywhere last night.
Watching the Notebook (verb) 1. Spending time with your girlfriend, usually instead of doing something you'd actually like to be doing. ex. Are you going to be a man and hang out for the game tonight? Or are you going to be watching the notebook again?