Take it easy, Bill

I just finished reading Bill Simmons' latest column, in which he discusses Bill Belichick's decision to go on fourth-and-two last Sunday night.

The column was going great, Simmons using his everyman wit to entertain. Then he got a little crazy.

While comparing his trying to get from Seattle to Beaverton, Ore., in two hours to Belichick's decision (already on thin ice), Simmons mentioned he was optimistic about the trip in part because he stood up for Sonics fans when Clay Bennett moved the team. Therefore, Simmons felt he had a pretty good shot at getting out of a speeding ticket in the Seattle area.

Seriously dude?

Listen, I respect Simmons. He's an excellent writer, he churns out content at a meaty pace and usually gives sports junkies a fresh perspective. But he's gotten a bit big for his britches.

Now this guy breaks the speed limit with the idea that he's such a big celebrity that a cop will let him go? Relax buddy. No one's confusing you for Tom Brady just yet.

Simmons' charm has always been that he's just like you and me, just a regular Joe Fan saying what we'd all like to say about the sports issue of the day. That's pretty much over now. Simmons does a lot of name-dropping, and apparently he doesn't view himself as Joe Fan anymore.

This doesn't mean Simmons doesn't write a good column anymore, because he does. He continues to provide good content, and his fan base continues to grow.

So does his ego.

Don't Mess With The Hoodie

Another voice has been heard from on Fourth-And-Go-Gate. Here's new contributor Meaty Johnson ripping those who have been blasting Bill Belichick for his decision not to punt Sunday night:

I like the call by Belichick. If for no other reason than he showed some balls. But there are plenty of other reasons: (1) Peyton Manning is OK at football; (2) Defense is gassed; (3) with the game on the line you might want to put the ball in the hands of your best player and let him try to win it, sounds logical; but what if he's a 2-time Super Bowl MVP, in that case no, then you have to punt. Why, because on 4th down you punt, F that. Didn't Woody Hayes die? Seriously though, The 50's were awesome. I freaking hate my hi def LCD TV, with all those black guys on it making incredible plays. I'd much rather listen to mostly white guys run the football on the radio. At least they know to punt on 4th down. And they all have great motors.

Peter King might think he knows himself some football, but he undid a lot of goodwill with me with his MMQB column. A mosquito that Belichick swatted after it bit him on the ass knows more about football than Peter King, or any other columnist. Where, might I ask, are your FIVE super bowl rings Mr. King? You're just another jerk about to get run over by a train called progress you fat reactionary slob.

Belichick is the only coach in the NFL right now who could do that. Dungy could have, but he wouldn't have; Cowher? Same as Dungy. Parcells might have done it and gotten away with it. And people are going to criticize Belichick?! Tom Cable would've punted. Dick Jauron would've punted.

If you want to criticize Belichick, criticize him for what he screwed up. He wasted a timeout off the kickoff in a Herm The Clock-esque maneuver. In an ideal world, he knows that he's going to go for it on fourth and 2, so he prepares for that possibility after 2nd down. I don't think he did that. But don't get your cheap shots in by criticizing the single best football coach in the world right now. Because no, whoever you are, you don't know more than he does.

One quick note on my bias, I could probably watch Belichick pour a bottle of jack down Brady's throat with one hand, hold the lighter for Randy Moss' Bong with the other hand while he kicks Kevin Faulk in the sack before a crucial 4th quarter drive and I'd say "well he usually knows what he's doing, so I'll trust him."

But he's earned that. And with that call he earned a little more, at least from me.

A culture of lost

The fourth-and-2 forever burned into our football brains wasn't called Sunday night in Indianapolis with Bill Belichick's team up six and just over two minutes left. Nor did it date  to Sept. 9, 2007 — opening day vs. the Jets — when the Patriot machine started going for fourth downs because it could and never really stopped.

No, Belichick's unexplainable call was born years ago, born at every step along the way where, bit by bit, he spent collateral earned during three Super Bowl wins and bucked convention. Ya know, because he could.

Consider: His aggression in benching Drew Bledsoe, then running the QB out of town. His resourcefulness that led Troy Brown from catching passes to defending them. And his icy decision-making that shipped Tom Brady's best friend Lawyer Molloy to the unemployment line just before the season opener. And they are but a few.

All those things worked, the effect of another Lombardi trophy outweighing the cause in the end, and oodles more followed in their wake. The results only added to the Belichick mystique, only colored this Hall-of-Fame coach in shades of gray. He knew what came next. The rest of us were just guessing.

In recent years, we've learned more and more that Belichick's culture of arrogance has also emboldened this absolute boor of a man. His team couldn't survive without actual NFL receivers. It couldn't withstand the Peyton Manning and the Colts with an All-AARP defense. And even after a perfect season, it couldn't send five guys deep against Justin Tuck and the boys, not every darn play.

Finally, Belichick's arrogance cost him dearly and served some justice to someone in need of more than his share. The Pats fell 35-34 on Sunday Night Football at the hands of the unbeaten Colts, who outscored their rival 21-10 in the fourth quarter and now sit somewhere between Reggie Bush (this) and Derek Jeter (this, this, this...and more) on the luck-meter.

Considering the outcome and the heightened attention thrown at Manning v. Brady CLXXXIV, or whatever it was, Belichick's heinous call may rank among the worst regular-season decisions in NFL history. It directly cost his team the game — I take no arguments — but I'll leave the specifics to colleague Norwood Buckner. What I cannot wrap my mind around is the utter unchecked arrogance that led Bill Beli-lost to believe going for it was his best option. The Colts still had the two-minute warning and a timeout. The Pats needed TWO first downs there, not one.

Maybe people will finally start to realize no one rules the sports world, particularly not a football coach who may or may not have Asperger's. For every success, failure hides around the corner, waiting to take a figurative dump on your hardware. (Belichick's hardware stinks like yesterday's lunch, by the way.)

For years, Belichick escaped the furor directed at his colleagues and earned credit for "trusting his offense," and "being one step ahead." Has anyone ever stopped to consider the Patriots are/were pretty darn good?

Had one of the Jims — Zorn, Fassel, Mora, Mora Jr., take your pick — pulled this, he'd be crucified, daggered to a slow death in some radio booth or on some glass-housed pregame show set. Of course, Belichick will survive it. He already dismissed any notion the God of Foxboro hath erred. Maybe the next act will be to cut Kevin Faulk for not gaining the extra half-yard.

Wouldn't surprise me. Not from this guy/clown.

My fav 5...people to hate

5. Tony Romo: Has anyone ever received more attention without winning a playoff game? Even the criminals, the overexposed and the egomaniacs like Michael Vick, Terrell Owens, Peyton and Eli Manning, Tom Brady, Jerry Jones, Bill Parcells, etc. have won something — most of them oodles of playoff games and Super Bowls, Vick included. So why has this Cowboy quarterback been cast as a star right alongside them? Because he dated a hot babe who was famous? Last time I checked, Giselle was neither ugly nor obscure.

Look, Romo has produced at the level of a top 10 regular season quarterback. Fair, but big whoop. Show his mug after an accomplishment, ESPN, not after a weekend in Cancun.

I also greatly dislike his face.

4. Chris Berman: Hey, I have a nickname there guy: Chris "STFU" Berman.

So please stay away from the U.S. Open and the MLB playoffs. They are legitimate events. And burn that stupid hat.

3. Joe Buck: Besides the fact that his cavernous cleft could sleep a family of four comfortably, Buck is a truly perplexing figure. Let's consider other sports broadcasters who have dominated the sports landscape over the last generation: Marv Albert (NBA/NFL), Bob Costas (MLB/NBA/Sunday Night Football/Olympics), Jim Nantz (NFL/PGA), and Al Michaels (Monday Night Football/MLB/NBA/Hockey). Those four men would consist of the sports broadcasting Mount Rushmore from the last 25 years.

So question: Who among this group does the vast majority of the American public actively despise? Their only faults are the following — Nantz is a little rehearsed, Costas a little smug, Michaels a little GPS (see Rip-tionary) on the rules, and Marv a little... well... promiscuous. But have we ever really hated them? No.

Personally, I find Buck detestable. Many agree. 

2. Isiah Thomas: Because anyone with his history of transgressions deserves nothing but a rip! He has, in rough order: bankrupt the CBA; destroyed the rosters of the Raptors and Pacers; decimated and humiliated the Knicks, all while sapping their fan base of whatever remained of its pride; sexually harassed a co-worker; possibly threw his daughter under the bus; and somehow came out smelling at least a little like a rose.

Seriously though, FIU hiring Isiah as its coach is the sports equivalent of giving Bernie Madoff a job as a stock broker if he was ever discharged from jail. 

And I think that's what why Zeke is so easy to hate. His punishments/banishments/disgrace-aments never last long. Ol' No. 11 woos more people than Ben Franklin in his prime.

1. Roger Clemens: Nothing repulses an honest sports fan more than someone who is: A) self-

obsessed; B) has no understanding of his current place in his sport (see: Iverson, Allen); and C) is a filthy liar. Clemens manages to combine A, B and C, and somehow still maintain enough in his deep reserve of gall to attach his wife's name to steroid use.

How crazy is Clemens? This crazy: I don't think the best way to dagger him is to keep him out of Cooperstown. Instead, here's my idea...

How about the voters select him. Then, on his big day in rural New York, with Debbie and the K-clan watching, they consistently mispronounce his name at the ceremony. Then, once the time comes, the Hall misspells his name on his plaque.

With someone so undeniably vain and deranged, nothing would sting him more.