Jeff, come back to us

I always liked Jeff Van Gundy. He was an underdog, a diminutive guy in a sport of giants, and I thought he did a good job coaching the Knicks.

But the longer he's on the air the crazier he sounds. Here are some of his recent gems:

- Last year he said he'd rank Tracy McGrady as the second best two-guard in the league, behind Kobe and ahead of Wade.

Oh, where to begin. Dwayne Wade might have been the best player on the U.S. team in last summer's Olympics. Wade carried a team to a final four. He carried a team to an NBA title. McGrady has done none of those things. He did once say that he was happy to finally be in the second round of the playoffs during a seven game series his team led 3-1.

McGrady still has never won a playoff series. Dagger.

Van Gundy also said LeBron should go to L.A. and play for the league minimum so that he can win a title with Kobe. Again, so lost it's scary. First, why would LeBron give up tens of millions? I'd like to see Van Gundy do that. Second, great players and competitors in their primes usually don't take the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" approach. That doesn't do wonders for your legacy.

Van Gundy said Steve Nash should win the MVP this year. He said the NBA should do away with fouling out. Tonight he suggested Rashard Lewis take himself out of a game after he missed three consecutive shots.

I don't think Van Gundy is a stupid guy (I've been wrong before), so my best guess is that he's trying to be edgy and different.

Unfortunately, all he's being is an idiot.

Schooling Tiger

The time has finally come for me to do the unthinkable. It's time for me to rip Tiger Woods.

Never did I ever imagine the day would arrive when I would have strong enough feelings to take a shot at my favorite sports figure of all-time. I also never thought I'd see the day when perhaps the most dominant athlete in the history of sports would be in the news more for the size of his, um, shaft, than for what he does with the golf clubs he wields on the course.

I'm sorry, Tiger. I love you, but you are officially an idiot.

Look, I've said for years that I think about 80% of professional athletes cheat on their wives. In no way am I saying that makes it okay, but it really is the ultimate don't-judge-someone-until-you're-in-that-situation situation there is.

It turns out, Tiger is an ordinary (bad) guy when it comes to going after women. Am I surprised? No. Am I surprised how stupid he was about it? Yes.

It's one thing to do this stuff when you're not married (See: Derek Jeter -- SI Sportsman of the Year and holy figure in New York despite his playboy ways), but once you tie the knot, the number of mistresses needs to go down. At least to single digits.

I mean seriously, how could Tiger think that not even one of his female playing partners would ever say anything about having slept with one of the most famous people in the history of the planet? Especially ones that were supposedly working for barely more than minimum wage at glorified Waffle Houses? As Tony G. Dagger mentioned previously, there are a lot of money-grubbing hoes out there. I guess Tiger's Stanford education didn't cover him that.

Tiger's buddy, Michael Jordan, couldn't give him a few pointers on sneaking around? Like have a separate, secret phone for dealing with side-pieces. Or don't actually call yourself and leave an embarrassing/incriminating voicemail. How stupid can you be? You could have afforded to pay a different person to handle each of your mistresses. Police found $235 in your crashed SUV? That's like a couple pennies slipping out of my pocket and into the crack of my car-seat.

For nearly 15 years, this guy has been in the spotlight as much as any other athlete and the public hasn't seen one sloppy-drunk picture of him or even heard about a single speeding ticket. It appeared that either Woods was genuinely the "boring" person he categorized himself as or he was just as good as guarding his private life as he was at slingling a little white ball around the golf course.

Apparently, he wasn't being so careful this whole time. As a result, it was just a matter of time before some of this stuff started to come out. Like his stunning loss to Y.E. Yang at this year's PGA Championship, it was inevitable that Woods' off-the-course behavior would eventually be exposed. Yet somehow, Mr. Swoosh never saw it coming.

I'm sure it was tough for him to turn off the "playa" switch upon marriage and I'm sure he was super careful at first. But the more these guys get away with -- and when you're Tiger Woods you can probably do just about anything you want -- the more they think they are bulletproof.

Yes, his agent Mark Steinberg and whoever else is in charge of the Tiger Woods machine deserves blame for letting this get out of control. But unlike a lot of other athletes who have faced controversies, I thought Tiger was smart enough to never let it get to this point.

Wrong. Instead, the whole saga (Mysterious accident, multiple affair allegations, possible foul play, prescription drugs and alcohol, his mother-in-law being taken to the hospital days after) seems like a never-ending story. I half expect to wake up tomorrow and find out that he has gone missing after being abducted from his Orlando mansion by aliens.

Tiger, the seemingly indestructable force, has become the continuous butt of jokes around the world (Got to admit, Wanda Sykes had some pretty funny lines). How did Tiger's people let it come to this?! How did Tiger let it come to this?!

So please, Tiger, I'm begging you. Do Oprah, do 60 Minutes. Let us see you apologize for everything, let us see your vulnerable side. Provide us with some concrete answers about what happened that night with the Escalade escapade and a own up to the "transgressions" that are true.

If you're addicted to pain-killers or sex (What guy isn't?), tell us! It's the only way to make this mess go away and get this National Enquirer/TMZ (plenty to rip with those "media" outlets too) circus to stop. It's also the only way to possibly save your unparalleled global popularity.

Bill Clinton, the freaking President of the United States, cheated on his wife while in office. Brett "The Media Can't Get Enough Of Me" Favre was once addicted to pain-killers. Jordan's gambling problems, as well as his own infidelity, have been well documented. Kobe Bryant was accused of far worse, yet right now there are thousands of parents out there buying his jersey as a Christmas present from Santa.

Athletes have come back from far worse and sometimes their problems even draw sympathy and an increased fan base (Again, Kobe). Outside of an alledged double-murder (I'll never forget hearing that verdict while sitting in home economics class in 7th grade), and the recent bonehead handlings of being caught for cheating the sport and using steroids by Roger Clemens (Looks stupid for not admitting to it) and Mark McGwire (Looks pathetic for not saying anything), these guys usually recover.

For someone like Tiger, who has maintained that squeaky-clean image until this point, getting out of trouble should be about as difficult as a long bunker shot. It certainly won't be easy, but the best player in the world can pull it off.

If only he would get his head out of the sand.

A Scoop of Bull

W.F. Slinger has recently emerged from the Dark Ages with an iPhone and a gmail account. He will be posting on his own shortly. For now, A Ruthian Rip from W.F.

A fellow ripper pointed out this latest Scoop Jackson gem. I have to say, Mr. Jackson has outdone himself this time.

If you don't want to bother reading it, I'll spare you the details. Basically, Scooper says that Carmelo Anthony has joined the list of the truly elite players in the NBA: LeBron, Kobe and Dwyane Wade. The main reason? Because he had time to reflect this off-season.

A. This is incorrect. Those three guys are actually great players.

B. Huh?

Melo tells Scooper, "This is the first summer I've really had since I've been in the league to get my body right and let my mind just ... wander a bit." So we're supposed to believe that somewhere in there, that thinking made him one of the top players in the NBA. But then a few sentences later there's a long quote (that includes a reference to Scoop -- what joker would actually keep that in when transcribing? Scoop!) that talks about how Melo's supposed greatness started by playing with Team USA in previous summers.

So which is it? Actually, confusion from this rambling column aside, the answer is technically neither. Melo doesn't deserve to be categorized with those three players. There are also plenty of other players I wouldn't hesitate to take ahead of Anthony in an open draft, including Chris Paul and Dwight Howard (two players who deserve to be in that conversation, at least with Wade).

I guess Scooper forgot about the fact that Melo hadn't won a playoff series until Chauncey Billups was traded to Denver for Allen Iver-lost during last year. I guess he swept all those failed postseason series under the rug, including the three that he shot .364 from the field or worse. Not very meaty.

But Anthony was able to "get my body right" in the offseason, speaking of meaty. Or beefy I should say. Ever seen that commercial where he runs down the street with his shirt off jiggling? Maybe if he had gotten his body right at some point during his six-year NBA career, he would have achieved things more like what was predicted when he came out of Syracuse.

But back to Scoop, check out what longtime Kansas City Star columnist Jason Whitlock had to say about him in an interview with The Big Lead. Pretty brutal.

So, let's recap. Carmelo Anthony is an All-Star level player, but not, to use Scoop's lingo, in the running for best baller in da league. As for Scoop, he's still a complete clown.